Sometimes we need to change our relationships in order to change our behavior. Charlie was a good example of this principle.
Charlie appeared to be a very cute five year old boy. He was well dressed and often polite. He also had magnificent temper tantrums. The tantrums occurred primarily at home, but were spreading out of the home into grocery stores, the doctor’s office, and once even in school. Almost all of the tantrums occurred when someone said “no” to Charlie. His parents hoped he would grow out of it. But, the school insisted Charlie receives help after he kicked his teacher and tried to bite the principal.
Charlie lived with both parents and three older brothers, who were 8, 11 and 12 years old. His parents – Jeanne and Robert – lived with the usual stresses of making a living, dealing with day-to-day struggles and raising four boys. Robert was an electrician and Jeanne was a teacher. Even though Charlie was their fourth child, they had never seen tantrums like his. He would scream, yell, run around the house, hit people as he ran past them, and throw whatever he came near. He had broken two lamps and almost broke the television.
Jeanne and Robert tried the usual things that parents try. They talked to him about his temper. They punished him by taking toys away. They gave him time outs. They tried rewarding him with stars and stickers for being nice. They spanked him. Nothing helped. And, as Charlie grew, his tantrums became more intense. Robert and Jeanne felt entirely helpless in the face of Charlie’s rage. They learned to cope by avoiding saying “no.” They avoided taking him places he did not want to go. The family stopped going out to restaurants, because Charlie embarrassed everyone. Increasingly, Charlie was given everything he wanted. Over time, he was given more and more control over family decisions and he was only five years old.
Charlie, unfortunately, refused to talk about the tantrums. He was not interested in receiving any help and denied any dissatisfaction with life. He related that everything was “fine,” but complained that his parents wasted his time by making him see a therapist.
Charlie was asked what he would do if, miraculously, all of the problems stopped. Although Charlie denied there were any problems, he was willing to consider this question. After several minutes of thoughts, he said he would be happy. He was asked who would notice he was happy. He said his parents would notice and maybe his teacher, because he would play catch with his dad and bake cookies with his mother (or at least help eat the cookie dough). Beyond that, Charlie refused to say any more and stopped participating in the discussion.
Jeanne and Robert were torn by Charlie’s responses. On the one hand, they were quite annoyed when he refused to continue participating. On the other hand, they were shocked and excited that the miracle he imagined was doing things with them. He never played with them, and until that moment, neither parent imagined he had any interest in playing with them.
Charlie, Jeanne and Robert went home and tried to make the miracle happen. Almost like clockwork, Charlie’s behavior improved every day that he played with, baked with or read with his parents. Almost every day these things did not happen, Charlie exploded.
Only later, when Jeanne and Robert thought about what happened, it made sense to them. When Charlie was born they were relieved that the other boys could help supervise and entertain him, as they already felt stretched. Charlie, on the other hand, felt tormented by his brothers. He resented them telling him what to do and constantly complained to his parents. He tried to make his brothers leave him alone by yelling, screaming, and destroying their toys. Jeanne and Robert attributed the complaints and fights to normal sibling disputes, but had not realized how isolated Charlie felt. And, the more Charlie complained and misbehaved, the more his parents reacted with punishments that made Charlie feel cut-off from them. And the more cut-off he felt, the more he misbehaved.
Children need discipline to mature into well socialized, respectful, and responsible adults. Even after Charlie’s behavior improved, he continued to need this from his parents. What was missing in Charlie’s case was the emotional connection with his parents that enabled him to learn from the discipline.
What changed that enabled Charlie to become happier and to interact more nicely? First, he recognized his wish to connect with his parents. Second, his parents’ ideas about Charlie were challenged. They had seen him as angry, stubborn, and controlling. They did not think he was interested in being connected and having fun with them. And, they were quite frightened for his future. They imagined that by the time Charlie was a teen-ager he would be arrested. More and more, they saw Charlie as a five year old monster. Every time he misbehaved they became more frightened, so they tried harder to correct his behavior. Unfortunately, the more intensely they corrected him, the more disconnected and angry Charlie felt. This cycle is illustrated in this diagram:
Charlie appeared to be a very cute five year old boy. He was well dressed and often polite. He also had magnificent temper tantrums. The tantrums occurred primarily at home, but were spreading out of the home into grocery stores, the doctor’s office, and once even in school. Almost all of the tantrums occurred when someone said “no” to Charlie. His parents hoped he would grow out of it. But, the school insisted Charlie receives help after he kicked his teacher and tried to bite the principal.
Charlie lived with both parents and three older brothers, who were 8, 11 and 12 years old. His parents – Jeanne and Robert – lived with the usual stresses of making a living, dealing with day-to-day struggles and raising four boys. Robert was an electrician and Jeanne was a teacher. Even though Charlie was their fourth child, they had never seen tantrums like his. He would scream, yell, run around the house, hit people as he ran past them, and throw whatever he came near. He had broken two lamps and almost broke the television.
Jeanne and Robert tried the usual things that parents try. They talked to him about his temper. They punished him by taking toys away. They gave him time outs. They tried rewarding him with stars and stickers for being nice. They spanked him. Nothing helped. And, as Charlie grew, his tantrums became more intense. Robert and Jeanne felt entirely helpless in the face of Charlie’s rage. They learned to cope by avoiding saying “no.” They avoided taking him places he did not want to go. The family stopped going out to restaurants, because Charlie embarrassed everyone. Increasingly, Charlie was given everything he wanted. Over time, he was given more and more control over family decisions and he was only five years old.
Charlie, unfortunately, refused to talk about the tantrums. He was not interested in receiving any help and denied any dissatisfaction with life. He related that everything was “fine,” but complained that his parents wasted his time by making him see a therapist.
Charlie was asked what he would do if, miraculously, all of the problems stopped. Although Charlie denied there were any problems, he was willing to consider this question. After several minutes of thoughts, he said he would be happy. He was asked who would notice he was happy. He said his parents would notice and maybe his teacher, because he would play catch with his dad and bake cookies with his mother (or at least help eat the cookie dough). Beyond that, Charlie refused to say any more and stopped participating in the discussion.
Jeanne and Robert were torn by Charlie’s responses. On the one hand, they were quite annoyed when he refused to continue participating. On the other hand, they were shocked and excited that the miracle he imagined was doing things with them. He never played with them, and until that moment, neither parent imagined he had any interest in playing with them.
Charlie, Jeanne and Robert went home and tried to make the miracle happen. Almost like clockwork, Charlie’s behavior improved every day that he played with, baked with or read with his parents. Almost every day these things did not happen, Charlie exploded.
Only later, when Jeanne and Robert thought about what happened, it made sense to them. When Charlie was born they were relieved that the other boys could help supervise and entertain him, as they already felt stretched. Charlie, on the other hand, felt tormented by his brothers. He resented them telling him what to do and constantly complained to his parents. He tried to make his brothers leave him alone by yelling, screaming, and destroying their toys. Jeanne and Robert attributed the complaints and fights to normal sibling disputes, but had not realized how isolated Charlie felt. And, the more Charlie complained and misbehaved, the more his parents reacted with punishments that made Charlie feel cut-off from them. And the more cut-off he felt, the more he misbehaved.
Children need discipline to mature into well socialized, respectful, and responsible adults. Even after Charlie’s behavior improved, he continued to need this from his parents. What was missing in Charlie’s case was the emotional connection with his parents that enabled him to learn from the discipline.
What changed that enabled Charlie to become happier and to interact more nicely? First, he recognized his wish to connect with his parents. Second, his parents’ ideas about Charlie were challenged. They had seen him as angry, stubborn, and controlling. They did not think he was interested in being connected and having fun with them. And, they were quite frightened for his future. They imagined that by the time Charlie was a teen-ager he would be arrested. More and more, they saw Charlie as a five year old monster. Every time he misbehaved they became more frightened, so they tried harder to correct his behavior. Unfortunately, the more intensely they corrected him, the more disconnected and angry Charlie felt. This cycle is illustrated in this diagram:
When Charlie simply said he wanted to play ball and bake cookies, his parents saw their little five year old boy as a little five year old boy. When Charlie and his parents started to enjoy their time together, they all felt connected. And, then he could behave.
RSS Feed